Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Humbled in 2012 to Determined in 2013

I am really looking forward to 2013! 2012 was an amazing year. It was amazingly crazy and amazingly awesome and amazingly a lot of conflicting things.
I have seen bloggers and people label their years with one word. Like, the year of "Simplicity" or the year of "action." I did not do that last year but I have decided as I have reflected on 2012 that in retrospect, it was the year of "humility" for me. I can not say that I would have anticipated that to be the case, but alas, it was what it was. I am sure that most people would not believe that to be the case. A handful of people closest to us (to me) could vouch. Some of those people stuck with me and helped me try to make sense of things and labor through our new normal, others kept their distance probably just appalled that I could not "get it together," and some just silently worried that we "must not have realized what we had gotten ourselves into."
Others, not as privy to the details of our personal lives, saw the fun blog posts, Facebook, and Instagram updates and had a certain view of what our lives were like and think I am some super mom. I had the hardest time with this. I didn't want to accept these compliments based on part of the story people were seeing.We DID have a lot of fun. I did try really hard to enjoy our kids on a daily basis! Our kids are absolutely beautiful and we TRY so hard to love well. BUT we do mess up and fumble to get it right too. I tryed to mix some reality in with our highlights. I would post pictures of PILES of laundry, screaming kids, a disgusting kitchen, and a destroyed playroom & living room. Most didn't get to see me lose my cool with my trio and a few did {HUMBLING}. They didn't get to see me up until 2&3 in the morning just trying to finish basic things like laundry, packing lunches and backpacks, or picking up after everybody from the day. They didn't get to see me crying to my husband about how I was LOSING my marlbles over our child that took over 8 months to potty train. If it wasn't the year of humility it was certainly the year of POOP!
*Brandon's word for 2012 was AWESOME by the way. He really was. We were the picture of an imperfectly awesome marriage last year. It works our really well when one is weak and their spouse remains strong.*
 One of the hardest parts of our new reality was my struggle to bond with one of our new additions. I COULD.NOT.BELIEVE that I was living the story I had heard other adoptive parents share as their own. I mean, I LOVE kids. I have always loved, taught, and cared for kids with ease. The moment Harrison was placed in our arms, my heart could have busted out of my chest. I loved him so fiercely immediately and could not imagine that birthing a child from my body would have felt any differently. I assumed that was my "mothering style" and actually expected to have that happen again. and it didn't and I was devastated. {humbling} I could not believe I could not snap myself out of the funk that came along with having these conflicting feelings. I was VERY hard on myself, yet felt like a failure each day as I would get up and try to "fake it until I made it" when it came to bonding with said child. It was a heartbreaking and guilt inducing mothering experience for me. It was also something very personal and hard to share with others. People just don't really say those sorts of things out loud and when you do, as much as people want to understand they don't. It was a lonely place. {humbling} We are in a MUCH better place now and I can honestly say that I love all 3 of my children with all of my heart.
I spent the majority of last year feeling like I was doing MANY things but I wasn't doing any of them well. {humbling} I worked, I mothered, I wifed, I kept house (hahah...sort of), tried to maintain a few friendships, and tried to support Brandon as his duties at work became more demanding as well. I gave SOME of myself to all of this but didn't feel like I was giving ALL of myself to any of it.
Things really seemed to have leveled out by the Fall of this last year. Yes, it took a little less than a year to really feel like we had a handle on all that our new life as a family of 5 entailed. {humbling}
 I will always cherish 2012 because as hard as it was, there was far more beauty than hardship and I wouldn't trade it. I am looking forward to what God has in store for 2013! I am determined for it to be my comeback year :)
Did I really just publish that?

13 comments:

Heather Allen said...

Girl give yourself a little slack! You brought in TWO toddlers who speak a different language! I have a hard time with my toddler and we speak the same language (sometimes). You are doing a great job. I brought my son home as an infant and had a hard time bonding. I think people need to write about it more so we don't feel so tortured! Have a great week!

Living to Love said...

I definetly didn't give myself much slack ;) but I think the main reason I posted this was because I do think people should share these feelings do that others going through it know they aren't alone!

Jessica said...

We too adopted a sibling set (of 3) this year, ages 1,3, and 4 and I had a really hard time bonding with one of them. I found myself taking a double take when it came to sharing my drink or feeling like even hugs were forced, but God used our commitment to this child to develop a deep mother/child love for them. It took me months and months to come to a place where I could honestly say that I LOVE him/her. You are truly not alone in your feelings. So glad that God has brought you intimacy with all your babies!

April said...

Oh my goodness... YES! The 1st time I willingly shared my drink with said child, I knew we had made HUGE progress.

Julie said...

In 2012 our duo turned into a trio and I could have written the same things you have. Actually, I have written them but never hit publish. :) Thank you for sharing so others know we are not alone. 2013 is a new year filled with Hope and Grace!

DeAnna said...

This is a great post!! Life isn't always peaches and cream!! Sometimes it is peaches and pickles for sure!! :) I love the saying We don't always have it all together, but together we have it all!!! It is one of my favorite life mottos!!!! Here is to an awesome 2013!!!!!!

Ashley Alford said...

I think you rocked 2012 sister! Love you!

The Henrys said...

I enjoyed reading such an honest post. I often wonder how all the moms in the blogs I read manage to have such perfect lives when I am just trying to survive some days! Don't be so hard on yourself. Your family has gone through so many changes. We added our third child in June and I have been surprised about how much harder it is than I thought it would be. I have so enjoyed following your adoption journey. It is inspiring!

Liz said...

Oh girl! You are my best friend! :) Or at least I'm claiming you to be as much!! Read this. I just read it this morning & LOVE this woman. She is the sister of our pastor. I love REAL.

http://mollykhunt.wordpress.com/2013/01/14/261/

Sarah said...

I am just a lurker, but I have to say...

"I gave SOME of myself to all of this but didn't feel like I was giving ALL of myself to any of it."

I totally and completely understand this. You are not alone. <3

Carrie said...

You may have already seen this but you should check out this article, and remind yourself that you're awesome!

http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/

Adrienne, Another Ordinary Miracle said...

I am so glad you posted this! I wish I had shared more of how hard it was for us going from 1 to 2 to 3 so fast! You are an awesome mom and a very special friend. 2013 is going to be great!!

Adrienne, Another Ordinary Miracle said...

I am so glad you posted this! I wish I had shared more of how hard it was for us going from 1 to 2 to 3 so fast! You are an awesome mom and a very special friend. 2013 is going to be great!!