Mommy Guilt for 1,000 please!

This is a long one...

Well, this week hasn't gone exactly as anticipated! The plans for Harrison's care while I work, detailed in the previous post, have changed. Sunday afternoon, Harrison woke up from his nap with a runny nose and cough. Brandon and I knew that this was probably the beginning of our next respiratory challenge. I took Harrison into the office with me on Monday. My dad came to watch him while I went to staff meeting. His breathing was a little heavy upon waking up Monday morning but nothing too terribly concerning. With each passing hour Harrison's breathing became labored. This lead to our 5th visit to our pediatrician within 6 weeks :o) We left with more meds and very strong encouragement to keep Harrison out of any childcare settings for 2 more months (at least). If you have any idea of what our life is like with my job in particular...you know that this is what you would refer to as a predicament. We are around kids ALL THE TIME! He has only been in the church nursery twice but he is always at the church with us and all of the kids love him and he loves them back. This is Harrison with all of the kids on the Praise Team this past Sunday... Our doctor said that if wanted to avoid hospitalization (which he said we were close to) that we should heed his advice.

Let me tell you...my heart is liking a ticking time bomb!! I am so NOT outwardly emotional so it's been hard for me to not be able to control my emotions. You can tell where my heart is though...because it is majorly affected through raising this child of ours! Monday was very emotional for me. I felt like THE Mrs. Stretch Armstrong, feeling the need to stay at work because it was supposed to be my 1st week at work..but I knew that my priority was Harrison. I had so much guilt for not being able to put in my time at work, but I knew what I needed to do and it was to take that trip to the pediatrician. Thankfully, everyone on staff is above and beyond understanding and I am still able to get everything done...just some from home and some in the office and some with the help of Kidzboro's dedicated volunteers!

To get Harrison well, we decided to keep him at home avoiding going outside this week. My dad came to our house to stay with Harrison on Tuesday and Wednesday until 2 while I went into the office. Harrison did wonderfully on Tuesday but he didn't do so hot on Wednesday. In fact, my dad called while I was at lunch to let me know that he was having a rough morning. I hung up, burst into tears, and headed home. He needed his mommy and I wasn't there. Wednesday nights are my BUSY nights at church so I had made plans for Harrison to be cared for until Brandon got home from work Wednesday night so that Harrison wouldn't have to be at church that night. I QUICKLY changed those plans. I knew that if Harrison didn't feel well he needed me. I went home and picked him up and brought him to the church with me. The funny thing is, I got him to the church and he was extremely happy and totally hung out while I did what I needed to do...go figure! There were kids there and I was trying to keep the paws off of Harrison and I asked the kids to keep back because Harrison was sick. One little boy (that happens to think SO much of Harrison) thought I was trying to prevent him from getting sick so he said, "I already have asthma don't worry I won't catch it." LOL!!

We had some snow today and we were expecting lots more so we did not make plans for my dad to come and help with Harrison so I was home with him. He ended up in our bed around 5am this morning...all sweet and snugly
We have had to cancel the starting of preschool (which we were looking forward to for his development and some structured care) Next week, we are going to start taking Harrison to my parents each day while I work. This isn't our ideal situation because we want our parents to enjoy being grandparents and not primary caregivers to our little ones, but for now this is the best option. I don't know what we would do without the blessing of wonderful AND available grandparents to help. What do people who work do with their kiddos in these kind of situations without family help and flexible work environments?? I am the mommy who knows how to comfort and best care for the baby boy...all the quirks and special things that make up his care. When they are sick the needs need to be met by the one most familiar with those things! It is such a juggling act and it brings great guilt from all sides....especially with our little guy having so many breathing issues and what seems to be a very low immune system!!

The conflict does not end there though. I really really do love what I do. I have been at Calvary as the Children's Ministry director for over a year now and I have seen the Lord move and work in the hearts of so many of the children in so many ways! He affirms His plan and purpose in working through me at Calvary weekly! We have a kid-led praise team on Wednesday nights and it so funny to see who it is made up of this year. We've got a little boy on the team that wouldn't even move his mouth to praise our God as a part of the Wednesday night crowd in worship this time last year. Now, he is standing up on a stage and confidently leading other children in worship and glorifying our Lord with a smile and God given energy! We have another little girl who had stage fright, but has had such change of heart as well. We have several children that were in the 2 year old class Brandon and I worked in when we first started at the church over 5 years ago who are being baptized this Sunday. They all made decisions this past year to accept Christ as their Savior. As I was making our bed this morning I just happened to think about how the Lord has kind of brought them to a mini Full-Circle by working through us and our teaching and leading at Calvary! I have a job and it comes with a HIGH purpose. I don't doubt that....it is just going to take some time to find a balance and routine that will work well for all of us.

And this is where those who were waiting for us to have those "1st time parenting woes" can go ahead and feel like they were right in some area because otherwise, Brandon and I feel we have taken on this parenting thing with great enthusiasm and ease. It helps to have such an easy going sweety to love too! It's not that I have one problem taking care of Harrison even when he's sick, up at night, with me at the church, or wanting to be held most of a day. It's the GUILT that has been the HARDEST thing for me to manage. I think this is only the beginning. I am used to being able to multi-task and be super efficient at planning and doing...BUT now I have something else that is my #1 priority. No one else can be Mommy. I am a person who likes to do what I say I am going to do and most times like to exceed others expectations. Well, Harrison and his breathing is unpredictable and breathing is a necessity!!

Since we think our handy breathing treatments are here to stay for a while, I have decided to try and have more a routine that Harrison can get used to. We have been holding him and the mask, but today I decided to put him in his chair and put the strap on the mask. He did VERY well with it. Maybe he just likes us to leave him be! He took 75% of the treatment without touching the mask or getting out of his chair!! I was so proud!

That was a long but that's what has been going on!! Just trying to figure out this Ministry/Family balance!! :o)